Heroes Die
by Hopeless Desires
Summary: Slight AU. All her joys resemble a momentary intoxication than the truth of happiness. It is all just an illusion (that's the question: is truth an illusion or is illusion truth, or are they essentially the same?) /Enma-centric, OC-centric


**Not a Hero**

_Never a Hero_

**Chapter 01**

_I meet Akira Amano._

|**Summary: **Who am I? I'm not that little girl, I'm not that Mafia Boss, and I'm not that friend, that daughter, that guardian, that damn hero. I'm-Na-En-Ri-Dec-Onee-ch-Fudge-fa-just a lonely kid. {Self Insert}

||**Disclaimer: **_Hopeless Desires does not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn! Akira Amano does. _

|||**Warning: **_Dark themes, sad stories, and sarcasm. _

_Oh, and possibly a character death or two or a dozen._

_Hopeless Desires is trigger-happy._

_Pun intended._

||||**Author Note: **Not Betaed, crappy version. Not edited. Hurried. Vague.

* * *

I never was a stupid child.

Nor a normal one, either.

As a matter of fact, I prided myself at the fact that I managed to gain mostly flying colors in exams, and being the teacher's pet that did everything for her teachers and managed not to tattle on her classmates.

Oh, I managed that just fine, because the only reason I charmed the teachers was so they could lay off on my social inactivity and because they were concerned for my welfare.

My town was quite the gossip town, so everyone knew about my brother.

I prided myself at the fact that after a boring day at school, I would go back home, wash and change, go out and pick my younger brother, cook our breakfast, help him with homework, finish my homework, drag myself to clean the kitchen and living room for my mother, review my lessons, and still manage to heat the frozen pizza for dinner.

I also prided myself at the fact that I didn't have to blink repeatedly anymore when my mother would call to tell me that she was too busy to come home.

"_I'm sorry precious. The Mafia's at it again and I'm needed out there. I'll come before one AM though, get your brother to bed and make sure he sleeps, okay?"_

I would reply with a happy, soothing tone to my voice so that she would have a moment of relaxation before she undoubtedly killed another man, saw another friend die.

And then, I would find my place on the couch and open the TV at the news, just to make sure nothing happened to my mother, and bite off all my fingers.

Stupid friggin Mafia. Didn't they have better things to do than terrorize people, thus disabling my mother from coming home, back to me and Eren?

Eren would come to me, at these times, and latch onto my arm.

"_Mother isn't coming home." _He'd state, not ask, and stare at me with his startling blue eyes.

They were so empty.

But then again mine weren't any better.

"_No, she isn't." _I'd answer, and we'd break our gazes to stare at the screen, both breathless with anticipation.

Or maybe not both, since my brother had Asperger's and would scream the night away, and scratch the wallpaper of his room every night, because something would change.

Because sometimes, my mother would suddenly come late, or early, or injured, and that wasn't in his daily routine, since people with Asperger's couldn't bear a difference in routine.

Eren didn't believe that mom wouldn't come back, he knew she would, it was part of his schedule, just after watching a complex sci-fi anime.

Well, it's mom's fault that she gave birth to two, anti-social child geniuses, one almost normal and the other diseased.

I don't think Eren always was like that. Something had happened a few years before that triggered the illness.

Of course I knew everything about it, since I was usually the one to restrain him during his fits, and reassure him during his breakdowns.

Frankly, Eren had it worse than me.

Asperger syndrome is a form of autism, which is a lifelong disability that affects how a person makes sense of the world, processes information and relates to other people. Autism is often described as a 'spectrum disorder' because the condition affects people in many different ways and to varying degrees.

Asperger syndrome is mostly a 'hidden disability'. This means that you can't tell that someone has the condition from their outward appearance. People with the condition have difficulties in three main areas. They are:

-social communication

-social interaction

-social imagination.

So basically, my family are three outcasts:

My mother, Elice River, a twenty nine year old police woman who worked long hours of the day and often only saw her children early in the morning and came back from work at late hours of the night, or in better words, early morning.

My brother, Eren River, an eight year old Asperger's child with above average intelligence and a tendency to isolate himself, either watching anime or latching himself into my arm, and who got crazy fits when my mother didn't come at one AM sharp or when something in his schedule changed. It was becoming better though. He had the same large blue eyes my mom and I had, but the white blonde hair of my father that was whiter than it was blond.

And finally, me, Nate River, one hundred percent a girl and apparently, pretty intelligent. I don't have much to say about myself, so I'll just say I'm kind of a loner and a nerd, and I had some good ability to charm people.

I've read too many psychology books. Or maybe it's something I learned from people watching.

Anyways, I had my mother's blue eyes and her dark brown hair, but apparently, I had my father's body, which was quite slender or lean, I don't know the difference, and his hands with the long fingers.

I had long toes too.

And I had his charming charisma.

(His stupid acting skills.

I hate him.

I really do.)

He left us. He left us saying that he found another woman, and that he couldn't take care of an insane child.

(He's not insane. Eren is not insane.

It's Asperger's, you idiot.

I hate you.)

He couldn't take care of two jaded children, and he wanted my mother's affection.

"_You're always working or taking care of the kids. What about me?"_

He never helped my mother, and now he complains that she was ignoring him?

That he was affection deprived?

What about Eren and me?

What about us?

He left us, wearing his black professional suit, never looking back.

That was just fine. I never wanted to see his green eyes again.

Never.

And just weeks after I gazed at him with hesitant admiration, thinking him to be a suitable role model.

He left us, one child jaded, one called insane, and a young broken woman, with rough hands from hours of working and eyes that haven't been particularly spared from the harsh truth of life.

I spent hours, days, years, _my entire life _watching a family break, until with one push from my father the entire block house went down.

He left me behind with memories of a chess game that ended with a draw and with a broken family to mend.

I wasn't stupid, and that night I, Nate River, stood in the shadows clutching my crying brother as I stared at the back of a man that was never really there for me walk away.

And found myself wishing I could do the same.

I wasn't stupid, so when my brother said it—

"_We're being punished."_

I found myself entertaining the thought that perhaps I'd done something in some other parallel world and this was redemption.

* * *

I was eight years old.

I couldn't sleep. My mother hadn't come home yet and it was already one AM.

_Mom can't die, _my eight year old mind said.

_Thud, thud, _the old grandfather clock said.

But really, I wasn't an average eight year old kid so I though, that just maybe, possibly, Mom was injured.

_No way, _my mind replied back.

I had to believe in that, because there was nobody else for me and Eren if my Mom was to...to...

Speaking of Eren, he was currently screaming in the room next to me.

So maybe I couldn't sleep partly for my mother's late arrival, but partly it was because of my brother.

Scared, that was what I was.

I shakily stood up from my bed, thinking that perhaps I could, for once, be a good big sister.

I peered from behind the door and saw my brother's crumpled form near his construction blocks as he screamed, his pale small hands clasped around his ears.

"W-what's wrong?"

A choke. A gasp.

I stepped slowly closer.

"E-Eren?"

His scream went higher, higher, until I was the one clasping my ears shut. H started banging his head on the wall.

"H-hey! Stop!" I tried to restrain him, holding him back.

His screams, along with the grandfather clock's _don't forget your mother ain't home yet _sounds made me snap and I threw a block at it.

_Crack._

I stared fascinated at the pieces of glass on the floor.

I was alone with my suicidal little brother.

I snapped. I started sobbing, whimpering, gasping and threw myself on my knees.

I think at some point of time the screams and gasps became so normal, so intertwined, it created a tune that broke me through the whole night.

We were alone and I couldn't be there for my brother.

I wrapped my shaky arms around Eren when I finally let go of my ears.

"Sh-shut up." I breathed, "Just shut up."

He slowly looked up, and he looked so pitiful I almost cried again.

"I-its gone," his voice was hoarse.

"What's gone?"

"The sound of the clock. Mama's late again."

I nodded.

There was a moment of silence as we both stared at the broken pieces on the ground, his head bleeding.

"We're being punished," he whispered.

I continued to stare at the broken pieces.

"Punished. Punished has N and E in it."

I let out a hoarse laugh. "Are you saying because punished has an N and E, we're being punished for it?"

He didn't reply.

"Well," I said, "punished originates from punish, and it only has an N, no E in sight. Rest assured, brother."

"You know what else has an E and N in it?"

"Yes."

"Loved has an E, but no N. What has an N and an E?" He asked again with his hoarse, raspy little whisper.

I knew what word he wanted me to answer.

_Beloved, _his eyes pleaded.

Maybe I really was his older sister to his eyes. But I wasn't able to take it even now, because I couldn't tell him lies.

"Broken."

He nodded, like he expected it.

* * *

"Kids," the teacher said one morning, "We've got a new kid. You better all treat him well, alright? I don't want to hear of any ten year old committing suicide in the newspaper, ya hear me?"

"But miss," a kid piped up, "What're we gonna do about the other kids in the other schools?"

"Well, you better find some resolve inside yourself to activate your inner magical girl power, unless you want a spanking and sky diving grades." The teacher retorted.

I personally was feeling bored that very morning, having done the same mundane process of following my daily routine, so a new kid was pretty interesting news.

We all watched as the teacher, a red head woman christened Grace Annie Ant of questionable decent, beckoned a kid in.

Well, he needed no beckoning.

The kid practically flung himself in and grinned at us all with his teeth and his bright green eyes.

"HI!" He yelled, "I LIKE TURTLES!"

"Well, hallelujah, we got some _nashed _kids around here. _Grazie _god. But, dude kid," Gracie said, "Your name. Not your turtle fetish."

He stared dumbly at her before the teacher hit her head, "Oh my, I forgot! Man, where's my head?" and started writing on the board.

**Your name**, it said.

The guy read it in one second, swivelled on his green sneakers, and screamed, "DAN BENETT! I'M GONNA BE THE VERY BEST, I'LL CATCH ALL THE TURTLES OF THE WORLD, AND MARRY MISS TURTLE THE TURTLESTIC MERMAID FINNY THE FIN BARBIESTIC TURTLE. NICE TO MEET'CHA!" He shut up and brought a hand to his chin.

"OH, AND I LIKE TURTLES."

Well, from that day on nothing was very mundane.

* * *

"Hello," I told the new kid in recess, after I approached him, deciding that life was short and I was bored, "my name is Nate River. You may call me Nate. It's a pleasure to meet you." That was probably my longest conversation with a class mate.

So I broke my anti social rules, what's it to you?

The kid stared at me, before grinning, "I'M DEAF."

"Hmm?" I blinked, "Well, that explains a lot."

I glanced around for something to write on, and found nothing. I turned back to the new kid and took his sleeve to drag him back to our classroom.

Once there, I grabbed a random note book of mine, and started writing in it.

_Hello. My name is Nate. It's a bit nice to meet you, I guess, but please lower down your volume. Everybody else isn't that lacking in the hearing section. Sorry, no offence meant._

The boy just grinned again and shook my unwilling hand.

"IT'S OKAY. I'M DAN, AND I AM THE TRAINER OF TURTLES."

_Nice. Now, why are you in this school? It isn't for the deaf, I'm afraid, and you might have a bit of a hard time here._

"THIS SCHOOL SAID THAT THEY WOULD PUT ME IN THE GIFTED CLASS WERE THE KIDS WOULD HELP."

Hmm. Well that makes lots of sense, I suppose.

"WE'RE FRIENDS NOW, RIGHT?" He didn't wait for me to write and said, "LET'S GO CATCH TURTLES."

In the middle of a school?

I took a long, hard look at his hopeful face.

_I think there are a couple of turtles in the lab._

And so we managed to catch five large turtles and set them on their life out of school, getting an earful (at least I did) from the shocked principal who thought that I, the ideal student, would never do this.

"Eren," I told my brother as we walked home. "Why don't we go to the library and learn sign language?"

At his hesitant look I quickly said, "There are mangas there."

And so a beautiful friendship bloomed ("NATENATENATEERENERENEREN- OH NATE WHY ARE YOU HALF NAKED? – LET'S GO TO THE POND TO CATCH TURTLES!") and my relationship with my brother improved drastically.

* * *

And then one day I forgot my open Cola can on the stairs.

Shit happened.

* * *

"What are you saying?" I stared at my mother.

_Oh no no no._

She stared at me with her own pair of blue eyes, "The police are going to take Eren. He killed a little girl, pushed her down the stairs."

"No way, not my Eren, not my brother."

"_We're being punished."_

* * *

"Shit. We're going to be late to the court." My mother cursed, trying not to go over speed limit.

I stared at her, feeling empty.

"Nate," Eren whispered, tugging at my sleeve, "am I going to be alright?"

"_Eren didn't kill that little girl!"_

We were effing geniuses. He knew.

I gripped his hand, staring down at him. "I won't let them get you."

"_What the damn hell is wrong with you? He's your kid! Do something!"_

"_I am doing something – I'm getting the best lawyer I can get! I can get him out of this! He'll plead insanity, and –"_

"_HE'S NOT INSANE!"_

"I'm not insane," Eren whispered.

"No you aren't."

_What's happening?_

"I can't do this. I can't let my kids live on like this."

_Sorry Dan._

I stared at the door. If I jumped out now I would survive.

_I'm so sorry Eren._

I glanced at Eren's knowing eyes.

I leaned forward to the door of the car and slammed it locked. I covered Eren's body with mine, wrapping my arms around him.

"I'm not leaving you."

_Seems I am not going to live to catch that gigantic turtle._

"All for one, one for all," My mother lened towards us, turning her eyes off the road.

_I don't want to die._

The car crashed, and careened of the road into the water metres below.

My mother got impaled by something, something went through my shoulder.

"Nate!" Eren was forcefully being taken from me, "Don't let go of me! Please don't, I l-"

_I love you._

His body flew away from me.

_It hurts._

_I can't think._

_Is this what it feels like drowning?_

_God, please no._

_Eren._

_Dan._

_Mama._

_It can't be the end._

_Eren didn't kill her, I did._

_My carelessness – it's my fault this all happened._

_I...c-can't breathe. I c-can't...I'm dying._

_Please no._

_Eren._

Eren was right all along. We were being punished.

_Hurts._

_Alone._

_Dark._

_Pain._

_Dying._

_No more._

_I'm all alone._

* * *

I walked for a long time in the dark.

I couldn't remember anything, not my name, nothing.

Sometimes, I would see faraway dim lights. The warm beckoning of them was absolutely amazing and I wanted to be warm _so much. _I would almost always start to tilt in their direction, before another, brighter light would spring up somewhere else.

I felt numb. And odd. Very much so. I didn't feel warm, and suddenly I didn't have to breathe to move. I felt overridden by silence. As if I couldn't think anymore because _goddamnit it was so silent._

Apparently, in this dark cold place, everything you believed in, everything that holds you, grounds you to life, isn't true anymore.

And when you have nothing to believe in, what is your value? What is your purpose?

I wanted a purpose, I wanted a purpose, purpose, purpose, and I'd do anything for a purpose. Dying? No it wasn't the worst thing.

People die when they are forgotten.

And with no purpose, how can you be remembered?

(And yes, I was making a small anime reference. Not sure which since my brother had been an otaku and I had heard some lines from his all-night marathons.

…

Ah, when you have an otaku in the house. You never sleep. Ever.

Wait, I'm remembering things.)

There were whispers, too. The lights, the moving dancing lights were dancing to whispers. I had the eerie feeling that the dark, the shadows were whispering. They were whispering in many languages. Of regret and dead languages, Arabic and English and Tagalog. One of the whispers rose beyond the smell of nothing. No oxygen to spread any smell, so no smell. It rose and rose and came from the direction of one of the lights. A seducing light with a whisper that serenaded me to _come come. Aren't you sacred and cold? Are you, are you, coming to the light? Are you, are you, aren't you cold? _

_Comecomecomecomecomeareyouareyouareyoucomingtothelightcomecomecomedon'tbeafraidcomecomecomeit'swa~rmcomecomecomeimhungrycomecomecomeareyouareyoucomingtome?comecomecomesodelicious,yoursoulis,areareareareareAREYOUCOMINGTOTHELIGHT? YOU WONT BE ALONE._

The wind rose along with the scream and I ran. The shriek followed me, even though it couldn't be possible; I ran for so long, so far away from the dancing lights and shrieks and the light and now, now I was in absolute darkness. No ghostly dancing lights at all which I was glad for.

But, um, I was alone, and I was young and HOLY COW I'M ALONE.

Well, except for the imaginary shrieks in my mind which, of course you can't hear, and, of course, WEREN'T SHUTTING UP.

_Are you are you coming to the light, forever not alone._

But besides the 'stuck in the dark Imma zombie now and surrounded by ghosts' subject, death wasn't all bad, really.

Suddenly the weight of living and responsibility and _life _was gone. It wasn't a bad thing but—

God was I confused.

And tired, because surely, this long path would stop, right? After this long walk, where would I end up?

Heaven?

Hell?

I walked for so long that suddenly all I thought about was walking and reaching the end.

_WalkwalkwalkWALKFINDTHEENDwalkwalkwalkWHENWILLTHISENDwalkwalkwalkIFEELSOCOLDwalkwalkwalkITSSODARKwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalk—_

And finally light.

Like, a completely creepy _I'm a poltergeist coming for your life _light.

I mean, I'm human,

_[Really?]_

and humans are animals so eyes go _dammit brain there's a light and it's dark I can see no threats so I better go to the light so I can see and what the hell is your reply dude?_

But your brain is a total ass (or a wise guy saving your ass) and he goes like _no don't go idiot or else I will cut the nerves connecting us. We shall break up._

Yes they're in a love hate relationship.

But I tingled with anticipation, every nerve in my body was alive and my soul was flickering, heading towards the light on it's on because remember, no brain?

_Dead._

Yeah, I walked towards it like a stupid horror movie character but generally children under eighteen almost always live right? And get possessed while Itsy Bitsy Spider plays but—

Gah, whatever.

I headed into the light.

* * *

"Hey I'm Akira Amano, and – oh my god, are you okay?"

* * *

Pain. I was suffocating, being pushed so hard, enclosed by something warm and hard.

Pain.

When I was finally out of it all, I was wet and shivering. Wet with blood. I was cold and shivering in fresh air.

"Well," I heard a woman's voice say, "You're going to be a unique one, aren't you, Enma?"

"Boss, the woman needs to go to the hospital, right now!"

"Dammit, Gamma, calm the shit down! You're not one who just gave birth! Call the damn hospital; these gawking people aren't smart enough to do that."

Pain.

"_Don't let go! I l-"_

"_OH, NATE WHY ARE YOU NAKED?"_

"_All for one, one for all."_

"_I'm so sorry. I'm the worst mother ever—"_

"_Nate, am I going to be alright?"_

"_I won't ever leave you."_

"_Punished. Punished has N and E."_

"_Broken."_

"_He killed a little girl."_

"_Hey, I'm Akira Amano –NOT THAT AKIRA AMANO."_

"_DAMMIT I'M NOT SEXIST."_

"_I am Death."_

"_Plead insanity-" "Nate-" "Please no-"_

"_We're being punished."_

* * *

**AfterNote: **_I'm so tired._

_I know this is kind of crappy, but I was in a rush and my head hurts so badly and my eyes._

_Oh my eyes._

_Anyone know eye exercises?_

_Ahem, you won't see how she met Akira Amano "NOT THAT AKIRA AMANO." Next chapter, and I won't tell you how exactly you died, as you noticed I was a bit vague._

_Ahem, again, thank you all for reading this cliché chappy that sucked so bad._

_Oh god, so tired. It hurts, my eyes hurt._

_I don't want worse vision._

_Please pray for my eyes._

_Anyways, leave a review?_


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